Ten Ways To Experience More Joy As A Parent

By: Cristina Trette​

My days felt like marathons. I spent all of them doing the same routine. I was woken up at 5 by one of the kids. This was followed by breakfast, diapers, getting kids dressed, getting three kids out the door, school drop off, park, running with baby in stroller, lunch, naps, more diapers, school pick up, karate, soccer, homework, dinner, show, bath, teeth, jammies, bedtime stories, sleep. Then I would wake up the next morning and do it all again, and again, and again. ​

When my kids were ages 1, 3, and 5, as much as I loved my children, and was grateful to be with them, my days had become hard. I was worn out but felt stuck and was not sure how to create change in my life. To be honest, I was not feeling much joy at all. 

Other parents had been raving about Susie Walton and her parenting classes. Some friends suggested I attend her next class. A part of me wanted to. Yet another part of me was uncertain. I was slightly turned off by the whole idea of "parenting" around this time.  I had spent the last year implementing behavior systems which seemed to make everything worse. Yet Susie did not speak at all on clever ways to control kids and their behavior. Rather, her focus was on guiding parents to take care of themselves and to nurture the relationships they are creating with their kids. 

Susie answered my questions about my toddler taking toys away from the baby or pushing his sister. But never once did she suggest that I put him in time out when he grabbed or pushed. Nor did she tell me to give him sticker when he did something "good". Rather, she probed me to become curious about what I was feeling when my older son yanked toys away from my younger son. She guided me to notice what was happening in my body when he pushed his sister. She explained the importance of repairing my relationship with my son after I snapped at him. She also encouraged me to go on dates. And she took my lack of self-care very seriously. 

I hung on to her every word. 

Her teachings resonated with me so much that I attended multiple classes. Eventually I attended her parent instructor training and went back for additional courses with her so I could learn as much as I could. Eventually I began teaching other parents the same concepts that Susie had been teaching me. Slowly I began to experience more and more joy, as a human, as a parent, and in family life. What follows are some of the changes I made when I began to focus on creating strong relationships with myself and my children. 

​​1. I sought out opportunities for quiet

We are raising children in a world that is increasingly fast paced. Many parents today are stuck in a constant state of rushing and overwhelm. To get back to joy, I recommitted to the practices of mindfulness and yoga. Most importantly I began to make self care apart of my day and taught my kids to let me break when I needed it. I took a lot of tasks and activities off my plate. Simply put, I made our lives slower, more steady, and more simple. 

​2. I stopped complaining

Humans tend to be consumed with the negative. Our brains are primed to pay attention to the bad stuff while tuning out the good stuff. Back in the day when we lived on the land, even if most of our day was blissful, we had to be on the alert for the one tiger that may attack us. Yet the more we talk and think about the negative, the worse we feel, and generally, the worse others around us feel. I had to work hard at ending the habit of complaining. Every time I noticed myself wanting to complain, or even if I started to complain, I would switch gears and stop talking or change my words so that they would not be a complaint.

There is a difference between complaining and actually reaching for someone for support. When we complain a lot, this can be a sign that we really do need someone to talk to. Reaching out to friends and family for guidance and support is not the same thing as complaining. I am a therapist, but like all great therapists, I have my own therapist. I cannot imagine going through all of the ups and downs of parenting without my therapist!
 
3. I practice small acts of kindness

Small acts of kindness do something powerful for our psyches. Sometimes I text my daughter an authentic compliment. Other times I place a nice letter on my son’s pillow thanking him for a way he has contributed recently. Occasionally I pick flowers from the garden and put in a vase in my daughters room. If you can, extend gestures beyond the walls of family. Buying a friend a cup of coffee or bringing a dozen bagels to the teacher’s lounge at your kid’s school can go along way to spreading goodness. 
 
4. I started journaling about the good

Many people keep a journal as a space where they can express their negative thoughts and feelings. This is valuable as it gets the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper, making it less likely that you will store it inside. I also suggest that you also write down what is going well. Create space for writing down thoughts, dreams, goals, and actions that make you feel good. Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, refers to these journals as Blessings Journal. You can learn more about research and practices of positive psychology at www.authentichappiness.com. 
 
5. I made it a point to talk about what went well with my kids

One positive psychology tool is the “What-Went-Well” exercise. This practice involves taking the time to reflect on three positive aspects of our day. Seligman suggests that the practice of writing in a journal or vocalizing three experiences from the day that went well and why. This exercise has been clinically demonstrated to reduce symptoms of depression. Examples can be simple as my partner surprised us all with our favorite treat when he came home from work, or I slept a full 9 hours the night before. 
 
 6. I became habitually grateful

There are many ways to focus on gratitude. Some tape a gratitude list to their bathroom mirror. Others find that silently extending appreciation works best for them. In my family we like to start family dinners with everyone taking a turn to say what they are grateful for and why. My partner and also enjoy gratitude walks. As we walk we take turns saying out loud what we appreciate. 
 
7. I became comfortable with my mistakes

No one is perfect. Acknowledge and accept that mistakes are a part of the human experience. If you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself what you learned from the experience. Teach your children to look for the purpose in mistakes too. Encourage your child to see mistakes or perceived failures as learning opportunities. There is a fantastic children's book called "Beautiful Oops" that helps kids see that everything mistake is an opportunity to create something beautiful. 

8. I caught myself when I wanted to blame others 

Although our children and partner will influence our emotional state, the decisions we make, and situations that unfold, blaming them for the difficulties we face will never create change. I had to stop blaming other people and situations for my unhappiness. I began to acknowledge that I was at choice in how I would respond to all situations and that I had the ability to make requests or ask for what I want. Even though some of my reactions are still automatic, I have learned that through personal and relationship growth work, I can respond differently. 

If you are stuck in a rut, hate your job, want to go back to work, or want better health - commit to making one small change you know will bring you more joy.  One step forward can create energy and empowerment and move you toward living a life of purpose and meaning. 

9. I made space for my uncomfortable feelings

Having more joy does not mean that we want to deny, avoid, or suppress the uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, hurt, anger, or fear. I realized that on a daily basis I will feel a range of emotions and that my work was to accept this. As soon as I stopped try to push away the uncomfortable feelings, I realized that these feelings actually had a lot of wisdom and information to share. Feelings are just feelings. All of us will feel sad, angry, hurt, scared at varying levels of intensity and frequency. Part of the work, and creating great relationships, involves being with all of our feelings rather than trying to push, deny, numb, or be swallowed by them. 
 
9. I built my village

It takes a village to raise a child. The research on this is solid: individuals with a strong support system are happier and healthier than those who isolate. If you are raising kids in isolation, make an effort to reach out to others. Over time I have made it a point to connect with others and pushed myself past my comfort zone in order to do this. Getting involved in a community (virtual or live) provides an important source for making friends and being a part of something meaningful. The list of ways to contribute to your community are endless.
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