By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Back when I was parenting my three children at the ages 1, 3, and 5, I had the very best intentions and loved them deeply. Yet day after day, I found myself melting down with their tantrums, feeling frazzled with sibling fights, and white knuckling transitions (from dinner to bath, school to home, and park to car). I tried with all my might to do parenting well. Yet I was struggling.
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By: Cristina Trette Sometimes children act out in maddening ways. They tantrum, fight with siblings, or refuse to cooperate. When these kinds of behaviors happen in homes with frequency, many well-intended parents think that the remedy is punishment. We live in a culture that, generally speaking, tells us the way to change behavior is to reward "good" behavior and punish "bad" behavior. Yet, if you are anything like the hundreds parents I have worked with over the years, you may find that punishment does not help. You may also wonder, "if I am not going to reward or punish, what am I supposed to do?".
By: Cristina Trette After the birth of the first baby, 67 percent of couples see their relationship satisfaction plummet, according to research by John Gottman, PhD. The arrival of the first newborn throws most parents into a total life change overnight. Many couples, used to life of flexibility and autonomy, have a difficult time adjusting to the demands of a newborn, despite the fact that they love their new child.
By: Cristina Trette Let me start by saying, I love my kids deeply and I love being a mother. Yet those early years of parenting babies, toddlers, and kindergarteners were hard! My baby would wake me at the crack of dawn. This was followed by a brief moment of cuddles and coffee. Then came a swirl of breakfast, diapers, dressing, car seats, strollers, school drop off, cleaning, laundry, playdates, lunch, naps, more diapers, karate, soccer, dance, gymnastics, homework, dinner, show, bath, teeth, jammies, bedtime stories, and finally, sleep.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Some parenting moments can be intense. Big tantrums, sibling fights, or child outbursts can trigger us. Sometimes we can take a deep breath, use our tools, and get through these moments with grace. Yet other times we lose it right along with our kids. When we become emotionally dysregulated, we cannot access our logic, perspective taking, compassion, and empathy making it almost impossible to connect with our children. We may move into a state of fight, flight, or freeze, and if we do, it will be very hard to stay grounded during difficult times.
By: Cristina Trette I was teaching a Joy of Parenting course to a smart and well-educated group of parents. When I asked the group to introduce themselves, I requested that they briefly share two things, 1. what is going well in parenting and, 2. what is difficult about parenting. One by one, names and difficulties were offered with enthusiasm and ease. Yet almost every parent had a hard time recalling and sharing about what was going well.
By Cristina Trette Most parents don't want to yell at their kids. Yet, it can happen. Being a conscious parent takes a considerable amount of self-discipline in developing awareness. Despite hectic and busy lives there are ways to enhance your state of well-being and become more responsive. It will take time and it will not happen overnight. But I promise, with some slight changes, you can experience less reactivity and more peace. Read on!
By: Cristina Trette Sometimes everything is as good as it gets. Everyone in the family is rested, balanced, cooperative, and home life feels good. Then we go through periods where the kids struggle, life is rushed, and parenting feels hard. Let's face it, when we have little kids are home, family life can be unpredictable. One minute its all smiles and laughter and the next minute its tears and meltdowns.
By: Cristina Trette Dr. John Gottman is a well know relationship expert that has conducted extensive research on what the happiest and healthiest couples do to create lasting love relationships. In his book, "What Makes Love Last", Gottman teaches a concept known as turning towards each other. Taking on a general mindset of turning towards your partner or spouse can increase connection and reduce conflict.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Parenting is one of the most challenging endeavors we take on as humans. Being responsible for the survival of our young is no easy task. Beyond this, most parents aim to see their children go far beyond just survival. We want our children to thrive. It is easy to get distracted by all the parenting approaches out there that promise well-behaved and happy kids. Yet, as a therapist that specializes in working with parents, couples, and families, I can assure you that creating strong family relationships is the best parenting approach I know of.
By: Cristina Trette Generally speaking, when my kids were young, they were well-behaved. Yet, they were kids! They had their moments of whining, fighting, and tantruming. In my attempt to be a great parent, I learned all I could on how to nip these behaviors in the bud. Back then, sugar-coated punishments and rewards were all the rage. I implemented sticker charts, point systems, planned ignoring, praise, removal of privileges, and time-outs.
By: Cristina Trette Recently I was chatting with some friends about various aspects of life. These are brilliant and loving women who are doing incredible things with their lives. Yet as we talked, what emerged was a strikingly simple theme: something was missing. We talked about how we wanted thriving careers, joyful families, passionate love lives, and great health. Simply put, we want it all. Yet, not a single one of us felt we had it all.
By: Cristina Trette During the very early years of parenting, I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I chose to stay home with my children. Although it was not easy, I appreciated the time we had for bonding. For many years, parenting was my sole purpose in life. Despite all the sleepless nights, feedings, diapers, tantrums, and afternoon marathons, parenting provided fulfillment that carried deep meaning for me.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT What exactly does trust mean? Does it mean that you know your partner won’t cheat on you? Or that you believe your partner will always tell the truth. Well, yes, it encompasses these examples, but true trust entails far more than this. True trust means that you know that your partner will be there for you. If the level of trust in your relationship is lower than you would like, read on for some trust building tips.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT What does great parenting look like? Many would say that great parenting involves guidance, structure, and expectations along with love, affection, and warmth. If this concept is explored more deeply, many would also say that great parenting parents leads children to become confident, self-sufficient, kind, self-actualized, and well-adjusted. And depending on the values you may have many other attributes that you would add to this list. Although opinions on what parents want for their kids will differ, hopefully we can all agree that, the way we parent matters.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Mindfulness is moment to moment, non-judgmental awareness. It is being present and noticing what is going on inside of you, and around you. This means noticing our thoughts and feelings as well as our inner and outer experiences through a lens of acceptance. Mindfulness is also a practice. There are mindfulness meditations, exercises, and experiences we can all bring into our life on a regular basis.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT I think it is safe to say that most parents have yelled at their kids before. Yelling can be a protective response, such as when a toddler runs into a busy street. In some situations yelling is reasonable and could prevent a child from harm. Yet there is another kind of yelling that happens far too often in too many homes that hurts the parent-child relationship. This kind of yelling is the... if you don’t stop crying I will give you something to cry about... kind of yelling.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT At the start of a relationship, most couples show up with their best self forward. During the infatuation phase, we rarely see flaws in our partner. We our on our best behavior and interact with respect and care. When we are with a new romantic partner, brain chemicals have us buzzing around in a minor state of bliss for the first several months to two years of being in a new relationship. Over time, a more realistic and sustainable way of being together emerges. This leads us to stage of more mature love that comes complete with bad days and bad moods.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT How many times have you heard the story about someone embarking on a total life change upon the heels of illness, injury, divorce, or death? The great inspirer, Brendon Burchard, talks publicly about how a tragic car accident served as a catalyst for him to start living a life that matters. The motivational speaker, Klyn Elsbury, goes big towards dreams every single day, while simultaneously fighting Cystic Fibrosis a chronic, progressive, and frequently fatal illness.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Many couples report wanting a better sex life. But with children, careers, endless household duties, financial pressures, and all of the other energy drainers that come with modern family life, sexual desire can fade away. This is fairly common. 20% of couples who are married with kids have sex less than 10 times a year, which translates to around 20 million couples not having much sex. But common does not necessarily mean it is healthy or desirable. Alas, problems arise when one wants sex more or the other wants sex less. And if you become complacent, not much is likely to change.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Couples that have been together for multiple years (or decades) find they need to work at keeping their love alive. Many couples end up more like roommates than lover or feel something is missing from their relationship. If you can relate to this, keep reading.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT ![]() I have come to know that every single one of us will struggle on and off throughout life. Two steps forward, one step back, seems to be the way. I have also noticed that for some, after having a big setback, they will crumble and never find their out. Others are able to use the struggle itself to propel forward, and immerse in learning and growth after the fall. What makes the difference between those who fall apart, and can't get back up, and those who get back up and leap ahead?
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT ![]() We will all encounter mis-communication, mis-steps and mis-understandings with the person we love. Conflict will happen. Some arguing within romantic relationships is normal. In fact, when couples never fight, this can indicate they are avoiding communication all together, which is not ideal. In healthy relationships, when problems arise, we can go directly to our partner, have a conversation, and take steps towards resolution. We can also repair after an argument and find a way to get back on track.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Long gone are the days when couples were expected to keep their relationship difficulties locked up behind closed doors. Today, couples therapy is in the spotlight. Former President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama have shared publicly on their value of marriage counseling. Celebrities, such as Dax Sheppard and Kristen Bell and Pink and Carey Hart, speak up about how couples therapy in a key factor in their relationship happiness. Couples Therapy is quickly becoming popular, accepted, and understood as an important way for couples to prevent and overcome challenges and maintain long term relationship bliss.
By: Cristina Trette, MA, LMFT Couples tend to carry an array of expectations for the other and the relationship. Whether we are aware of it or not, we all have expectations on household duties, finances, decision making, housing, vacation, sleep, routines, parenting, raising children. Since this is a romantic relationship, and not a business arrangement, we also have expectations around sex, passion, intimacy, commitment, fidelity, connection, friendship, companionship, and partnership.
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AuthorHello. I am Cristina Trette. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I help others create thriving relationships, joyful families, and vibrant wellbeing. Archives
January 2022
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